i can think of no better setting for a sighting of You
than a full surrendering of me..
HipHop Psalms
Home alone for an hour - Loud Hip Hop as my work playlist.
This music sometimes reminds me of the O.T. ; full of lovers, law-breakers, tribal gangs & body counts, sex, intrigue, full on street wars, quests & conquests for power, blessings, cusses & curses, hallelujahs, prophet-poets laying down narratives of God & the good & bad of what life is like in their corner of the world.
And right in the middle of it, there's a house DJ curating those stories & putting its big ideas to music at the house party called Psalms.
Freedom
He throws FREEDOM
like a grenade,
into our bondages.
And it explodes
out from every inward room...
until LIFE, that consuming fire,
lays waste every rival,
leaving only surrender
and the ravishes of LOVE
in its wake.
Pray. Play. Obey.
Now comes the season of iron sharpening iron as we shoulder close to know God's heart, bear His likeness, & live out His message.
In childlike wonder, engaging in the pleasures of this life, we drink deep from the people, places, & things that make this world provocatively beautiful.
We live full. We play hard. We leisure well. We pray hard. We laugh deep - we kingdom eunuchs.
We, Christ-apprentices, who take on the yoke, take up our cross, & put on the mantle of serving others as we simultaneously engage every "Follow Me" discipline that will help in our swift pursuit of the holiness & wholeheartedness which enables us to see beyond the headlines & into the details of God.
We'll live wide & deep in the joys of earth but remain willingly severed from that which would distract us from companioning the King & fulfilling His earthly desires.
He. alone. is. now. our. deepest. delight.
Sneakers, smoke, & strong whiskey.
-another day to lock gaze in God-wonder & a come nearer still.
my heart leans hard right into it now.
right into the wild, base, breathtaking simplicity
of companioning a God both mystical & missional.
inside me: candles & altars. liturgy & incense-smoke. polyphonic chants & primal shouts. outside: dirty gym shoes & clean justice. show-&-tell & disciple-making & battle scars to boot. yeah, risk-taking & standing tippy-toed to reach into & serve out with age-to-come gifts & power. family & friends & confidants & counselors all in between the lines.
mistakes & outtakes & whiskey-strong jagged-edged worship all underneath the landscape - like lava spilling out over the low & high ledges, making new ground while changing the contours of the old. yeah, incense burning, sneakers going on, whiskey-strong worship going up, & me headed into another day to lock gaze in God-wonder & a mad mission to come nearer still while going further out.
Love does not accept another based on their strengths
Nor does it reject another based on their weaknesses.
It is unswayed by another's greatness, power, or prowess.
And it is unoffended by their great weaknesses & wounds.
Love is out for another's good & is in their corner
even when that other person is acting like a fool.
Especially then.
The greater the darkness, the brighter love shines.
Love covers instead of broadcasting.
It intercedes instead of accusing.
Not easily irritated, Love encourages even when rebuking.
Love stands firm. Love never fails.
"Love one another"
-Jesus
Tears
'I'd not seen him before. No one at Poplar would know him. He didn't look up. He just kept staring into the bag of groceries I'd just given him. He just kept looking down.
"My life didn't use to be like this... where did it go wrong..." he said. "There's something else....I've done something awful... I'm so ashamed..." A story of wrong choices, wrong friends, a drinking spree getting out of control, arrest, DNA swabs, cells & a rape charge has me sighing at the brokenness of what I was hearing.
The story told - he looks up into my face looking for rejection. I say nothing...
"My life didn't use to be like this... where did it go wrong..." I say nothing...
He half composes himself - "I'm in court next week... I'm scared..." I put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure you know if you are guilty" His shoulders shake as deep sobs interrupt the moment.
I look into his eye's "What do you want me to pray?"
Through his sobs, he barely whispers "that justice will be done..."
Us before Them
Before there was the 'all this' You called me to & set me into & keep in missional motion... Before there was the 'this & that', & all the ministrations & ministries which fill the bulk & span of my day's day...
Before there was an office, & a building, & a budget, & a pushing into the city with a mandate, & a pushing into men's hearts with a swab or a sword. Before all of this, there was You & I. And when all 'this' passes away, there will still be You & I.
So here now, in the middle of the 'all this' that You started & keep going by grace; here I sit low to do nothing more than to seek & see You. Because for me it has never really been all about the 'what', but the 'Who with'.
So... pardon my stare here in the wee hours of pre-day's start. And pardon my repetitive glances, down in the thick of this day's middles. And pardon my sins, too. To the One of whom I am cultivating an addiction, pardon the stalking tendencies I intend to display as I disentangle myself from the affairs of this life so that I may have a well-tangled affair with You... and You alone.
New Years Eve
It was was one very long day...
I got out early to take my devotions at a favorite coffee shop - A small stack of books to devour in front of me, a hot cup of joe to my right, & a great city view to my left. For the next few hours, I was a happy as a clam. Well, mostly. That wondrous & slightly ominous techno-color dream from the night before kept thronging its way to the foreground begging to be reflected on. A thing I was not eager to do, as it felt like a prophetic invitation to 'enter the rabbit hole'.
Back at home, my husband puttered around the house knocking out things on the Honey-Do list every few hours. It was good to see him relax. I, on the other hand, found myself restless & pensive pacing the length of the house grappling with the meaning of last night's vivid dream & wondering what lay up ahead for 2022 regarding my life, family, friends & faith community, my work & especially the Church at large. Eventually ended up hopping in the car & just driving around the city for a long while. When I reached the cathedral district downtown I parked & walked & walked & walked. And as I walked, I prayed.
Arriving back home early evening, I tinkered with the five distinct words that had emerged from this morning's reflections. At dawn, over coffee, they came out of my pencil's point like a rule of life haiku. Starkly succinct but packed with meaning & depth.
By mid-evening I was at the tattoo shop having those five words etched into my skin. The pain & permanence of it served as a kind of commitment liturgy for me. John, my tattoo artist (named after a prophet), reminded me to re-baptize those words a few times a day for the next week or two to heal the scars & make only the beauty permanent. That'll preach.
Newly bandaged, I headed home & spent the evening playing Uno with my family as we talked smack concerning each other's lack of game. It was hilarious.
Today was an odd day for many reasons. And it felt so very long. But in some weird sense, it was a perfect way to end the old year & prepare for the new one.
.
.
Nuts
There is very little to prevent me from selling off pieces of my soul to the highest bidder or handing off chunks of my time along with my heart to the drawing of the world's clanging whatever. But that 'very little' standing between me & my selling off or selling out is great. And that great is God. And that thin fragile thing called choice is steady & sturdy enough to keep me from the hands of the world's auctioneers & in the hands of the world's maker. And for God, love, & a strong lean toward the fearful reverent right, I'm in. All in.
we mount up
In trials, honored with
an opportunity to trust.
An honor that outweighs the discomfort of the not yet, & overshadows the temptation to doubt, waiver, or worry.
Sure, it's edge-tense from the inconvenience. But there's a strong central solid bewildering peace at the center.
A wholly unique sensation of faith, discomfort, hope without hype, & a God-entrusted 'whatever'.
In the oncoming strong winds of adversity, we mount up.
Yeah, we were born for this & these...
even for these & this.
We leverage our trials.
We. Mount. Up.
Courting God
I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - No. Mine is a much messier quest. I'm courting Him like a cocaine addict - counting worthless & selling off anything that stands between having what I seek....
Scouring the deep recesses of all my comfort zones for any remnant of change that may have slipped between the cushions... every penny counts & everything that is mine is handed over that I might apprehend Him, know Him, walk in the pleasure of His presence, & in His resurrection life... Even if it means fellowshipping with suffering. Here, anchored in the sweat & snot & tears & shakes of a morning 'episode' .. my longing overtakes my logic & reason. I curse my brokenness, swear through a vow, & hand over all my gods & goods for another sight of His face, His heart, His soul... Him. I'm not courting God like a ravished lover - This morning mine is a much, much messier quest - I court Him like a cocaine addict.
Look at us looking up to You, bending down to You, giving up to You what You gave to us when You gave us that "All" which makes us yours & makes us ourselves. Offering it up, sending back up what You sent down when You sat down & said "It is finished", knowing for us it was just beginning.
Dwelling in your dwelling place with all my might, that You might make of me more than "Just as I am, Sweet Jesus". In this my moment consecrated with unrestrained devotion, I spin, bray, & howl till Freedom comes swinging down to meet me.
I curve along the axis of all my yearning while turning on this sacred celestial ball. Both hands lifted up toward the heavens which are still creating from that long ago "Let there be...".
In this 24-7-365 paradox, I shout, bend, swing & spin wild & free... till the Life that You are Is the all of me. Giving myself over to being gotten till I make of me a fire from the heat of my heart-sway. Firing up some light in this darkness, with the light that is in the fire that is I Am That I Am.
Blowing hard on this burning bush as its tongues of purpose call me to come lay down my life to follow You further. Calling me to feel, to heal, to steal away the lost & lead them to the found that I have found in you.
Prayer & Protest
I've been thinking about the story of Jesus making a whip & using it to drive out those who perpetuated inequity as he flipped their tables & called them corrupt. Birds flying, coins falling, & people fleeing. It was a wild, loud, chaotic moment.
He had been speaking truth to power awhile - unafraid to call them snakes & vipers, polished tombstones apathetic to the institutional devaluing of human beings. But in this notable instance, his holiness went visceral.
As he watched the temple masses systematically being taken advantage of, Jesus said that the zeal to do something about it simply overwhelmed him.
I wonder what self-talk he gave himself about the topic of forcefulness with restorative aims as he sat down, lamented, made the whip, & plotted disruption. Have you ever been so consumed by zeal for justice that you had to do more than post on social media, more than call your congressman, more than write an angry blog post? Ever had to ask yourself whether or not it's ok to sometimes be loud & confrontational instead of just cheek-turning & prayerful?
- What if Christ was being just as Christlike during his whip-wielding, table-turning, name-calling redemption-aimed protest as he was when he was preaching, healing, praying, & forgiving our sins?
- We know Christ doesn't condone carnally losing one's temper & lashing out destructively. But what if holy zeal sparks an action that on the surface looks so similar, despite being motived by righteousness & not rage or revenge?
- What does it mean to follow Christ in calling out thieves & murders - to call out the apathetic & to wake up the deniers, to effort change sometimes using a bullhorn & a moment of disruption - & recognize that too as holy?
The instance that pushed Jesus over the edge that day wasn’t a matter of life & death in the natural. No centurion was pinning down a pauper & cutting off his airway. No one was even complaining about unfairness. They had accepted it as “that’s just the way it is” for so long that they likely no longer even took note of it. It had engrained itself in the culture. I think Jesus recognized all of brutal history in that singular scene. He saw all the big & obvious, small & subtle ways inequity played out in the past & would play out in the future, & he responded in such a way to make sure his views about it went viral.
There is no sacred one size fits all strategy when it comes to responding to injustice. But, maybe that day as Jesus platted that whip & plotted that moment of mayhem, he wanted to ensure we understood the Father's heart & our having a role to play regarding injustice just as much as he wanted to ensure we understood the Father's heart & our having a role to play regarding the priority of prayer.
October 2022
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